Monday, January 09, 2006

The Agony Aunt Column

Following the success of the "Ask our doctor" column, Plus Ultra is pleased to re-publish an "Agony Aunt" column, which provides instant solutions to readers' problems of any nature.

Q : I am an 18-year old, bubbly, attractive young girl. I overheard my parents, yesterday, plotting to get me married to a bald, pot-bellied man who is twice my age. This man has inherited a vast fortune and my parents feel that I would be financially secure. I hate the very idea. I am desperate. Please advise. Yours, etc Harried half-his-age, Hyderabad

Dr. Plus Ultra : Dear Harassed Half-His-Age, pre-marriage counselling was what I specialized in, when I did my masters in Psychology and therefore can claim correct credentials to counsel. Though it is not clear, from your question, if your apprehensions about marrying this man pertain to his baldness, his pot-bellied-ness or the fact of his being twice your age, let me tackle all three. Baldness should actually lift your spirits as it is well-established that a receding hair line is due to increased hormonal activity and is reflective of the man’s virility. A whole body of research material is available to provide conclusive evidence that pot-bellied men make better fathers, more competent cooks and have a keener sense of humour. About his age, let me disabuse you of the notion that you will continue to be half his age for ever. When he is 100 years old, you will not be 50, as you seem to presume in your childish innocence ; you will be a doddering, toothless, octogenarian yourself. So, all your concerns are baseless. Don’t give it a second thought. Plunge right ahead and splurge his riches .

Q : My grandfather died last year, leaving behind a will which bequeathed 1/3 of his property to the first son born to his first wife, another 1/3 of his property to the second daughter born to his second wife and balance 1/3 to his third wife, who is issueless. I am the second son born to the third daughter of his second wife. Can I stake a claim at all to a share of the property ?
Yours,etc, Will-wrecker, Warangal

Dr. Plus Ultra : Dear Will –Wrecker of Warangal, fortunately for you, my wife’s uncle was the Chief Justice of the A.P High Court and I happen to be well-versed with the legal nuances of such cases. My advice to you would be to file an appeal before the Hon’ High Court, contesting the will and pleading for DNA tests to be carried out on each of the wives, sons and daughters. This may not get you any share of the property but, at least, it will ensure that the intended beneficiaries do not enjoy theirs for some time. As the saying goes, "It is not enough if we succeed. Others must fail."

Q : I am a 15-year old girl with a terrible malady. I have a huge pimple right on my nose and it is spoiling my otherwise blemishless looks. I have applied all kinds of skin lotions on the pimple, but nothing seems to work. Please help. Yours, Pimpled-princess, Pune

Dr. Plus Ultra : Dear Pimpled- Princesss : Peculiar Problem, but I have the Right Remedy. My grand-uncle was a practitioner of Ayurvedic therapy from the Kottakkal school and I have observed his methods closely. The thing about pimples is that , in a blemishless skin, they stand out and get noticed. What one needs to do is not attack the pimple directly, but concentrate on making the rest of the face blemishful, thereby making the pimple less conspicuous. Try this method. Mix two spoons of raw mango juice with lime pickle, add some green chillies and mustard and fry over a high flame for a few minutes. Apply the paste on all parts of the face except the pimple. Magically, you will find that nobody will notice or comment on the pimple any more. Simple.

Q : I am a 27-year old bachelor. I am a born loser. The girl I loved has married my cousin. My parents have disowned me . I have been fired from my job. To top it all, as I was trying to hang myself from the ceiling yesterday , the rope broke . What do I do ? Suicidal Subbu ,Sulurpet

Dr. Plus Ultra : Dear Suicidal Subbu, I am related on my father’s side to Yogi Deveshwar, on my mother’s side to Yogi Berra and therefore have inherited some yogic techniques. What you need to do is meditate and deceive your troubled mind into believing that everything is hunky dory. Lie flat on your back, close your eyes and try this gentle, thought-experiment guaranteed to give you much-needed peace of mind. .

Imagine you are in a scenic park, surrounded by trees.
You are standing near a pond
The sky above is blue.
The birds are chirping.
Lotus flowers spring majestically out of the pond.
All is calm. All is quiet.
The whole ambience is serene.
The water in the pond is crystal clear.
So clear that you can see the wrinkles on the face of the person,whose head you are holding under water……

There, aren’t you feeling rejuvenated already ?


A Motley Tunic said...

Comic Satire thy name is Raj!!

Raj said...

Sowmya, Comic ? Satire? This was supposed to be serious, well-researched stuff. Sigh!